Jessica Simpson Quotes

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Memorable Quotes from "Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica" Jessica: I have to go... drop some kids in the pool. -------------------- Jessica: What does it mean when you take a really big breath and it hurts? [inhales big] Jessica: It hurts really bad right here. Nick: It means you shouldn't talk for a day and a half. -------------------- Jessica: Is there, like, maids for, like, celebrities? -------------------- Jessica: Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it's tuna. But it says chicken. By the sea. -------------------- Jessica: Platypus? I thought it was pronounced platymapus. Has it always been pronounced platypus? -------------------- Jessica: I hate record labels. They think they know everything. I want to hear them try to sing it. -------------------- Jessica: I have bubbles in my tummy... it's just air. It's not stink. Promise. -------------------- Jessica: Is that weird, taking my Louis Vuitton bag camping? -------------------- Jessica: Why were there mouses? -------------------- [on the aftermath of death] Jessica: Rigor who? -------------------- Jessica: My boob gets in the way. -------------------- [after being offered Buffalo wings] Jessica: No thanks. I don't eat buffalo. -------------------- Jessica: I still managed to spend $200. Nick: That's never been a problem with you. -------------------- [discussing the curved champagne glass] Nick: It's got a little lean to it. Kind of reminds you of something else, doesn't it? Jessica: Okay. Nick: Oh, I can't help myself. Jessica: Don't be nasty. And don't tell everybody you lean. -------------------- Jessica: I could feel your teeth. Nick: They're not my teeth, actually. Jessica: Oh, I forgot. They're "ventures". No, that's dentures. Nick: Ventures? Jessica: What are they called? [Nick laughs] Jessica: Veneers. [Nick laughs] Jessica: I thought "dentures" and I thought "veneers". And then I came up with "ventures". Nick: Yeah. "Think" is the key word. -------------------- [trying to tuck in her napkin] Jessica: Not there. Nick: Oh, I'm sorry. Jessica: You'll mess up my cleavage. Nick: Impossible. -------------------- Nick: What do you mean we're going to be in Atlantic City on our anniversary. It's a zoo. Jessica: My dad didn't know it was our anniversary and he scheduled me to perform. Nick: Are you kidding me? Jessica: I wish. He doesn't know when our anniversary is. Nick: Oh, bulls**t he doesn't know when our anniversary is. -------------------- [saying why she is not going to eat the fast food] Jessica: I have a hard booger in my nose, and it makes it - I think it's going to make it bleed. Jessica: The first thing I'm going to do is poop. -------------------- [opening a birthday present] Nick: It's a little display case for my baseballs. Drew: Open it up, you douche! Nick: Oh, you mean, there's already one in there? Drew: I'm cheap but I'm not that cheap! -------------------- [discussing Nick's diamond studded watch] Jessica: Do you like your gift? Nick: I love it Baby. I like it a lot. How much did you pay for it? I'm serious. How much was it? Jessica: $55,000 Nick: Fifty - are you crazy? - $55,000? -------------------- [discussing the new sheets Jessica bought] Nick: How much were they? Jessica: Huh? Nick: How much? How much? Jessica: $1400. Nick: Jessica Simpson! Jessica: What? [giggles] Jessica: Don't be mad. Oh, Nick, come on. Nick: $1400 for sheets? Jessica: Well, you sleep on 'em every night. Nick: I sleep on the ones we got now every night. I don't have a problem. Jessica: Well, I don't like them. I don't sleep good. Nick: Holy crap. I better have a wet dream when I sleep on those sheets. -------------------- Nick: [to Jessica] Even the washing machine thinks that $1400 is [bleep] Nick: ridiculous. It refuses to wash them. -------------------- Jessica: Well, I'm gonna take a shower. And wash off everybody's foot jam. Nick: [snickers] Foot- foot jam? Jessica: Yeah, I mean, I was in a pool of water all day long that everybody's feet was in. Nick: Isn't it toe jam? Jessica: Whatever. -------------------- Guy: All right, Hamburger Hamlet, Harbor House, Oriental Seafood... Jessica: Anal Seafood? What? Tina: Angel Seafood. Jessica: Oh. Guy: No, Oriental Seafood. Jessica: Oriental. [laughs] Jessica: I thought he said "Anal Seafood". -------------------- Jessica: [talking to Nick] Lea had dinner on the table and I had dinner in grocery sacks. I'm sorry. -------------------- Jessica: [talking on the phone] Well, 23 is old! It's almost 25 which is almost mid-twenties. -------------------- Jessica: So you want to go to Home Depot today? Nick: I'm kissing your neck and you ask about Home Depot. What the hell is wrong with that picture? -------------------- Nick: [walking into Home Depot] Alright. Bee killer. Draperies. Jessica: No. I'm not getting my draperies at Home Depot. -------------------- Jessica: [talking to Nick] I like your hairy ass. If you want me to lick it, I'll lick it. -------------------- Nick: Do you want to go have sex? Jessica: No. -------------------- Jessica: You married me. Nick: Don't remind me! -------------------- Jessica: I still love you. Nick: What do you mean, 'I still love you.' What the hell is that supposed to mean? Jessica: No I mean... Nick: I still love you in spite of what? I still love you in spite of what? Jessica: In spite of your decorating. Nick: Well then you get off your ass and do it. -------------------- Drew: [hanging up albums with Nick] Do you want gold or platinum? Nick: Platinum... give me the good stuff. -------------------- Jessica: I'm complaining about the money to get a designer. That is all I'm complaining about. And I will just hire you. That's fine. Nick: Well how am I getting paid if you are hiring me? Jessica: In the bed. Nick: Well I want a raise. With extra benefits. Jessica: What are those? Nick: You know what I'm talking about. -------------------- [Nick is trying to discuss his plans to decorate the house] Jessica: You're such a girl. Why do you care? I'm going to do it. -------------------- Nick: Listen, Miss Bossy Britches. Jessica: I'm asking you. I'm not bossing. Nick: Yes, you are. Jessica: I'm not. I'm asking you. Please. Nick: No, you didn't ask. Jessica: Baby, I'm drunk. Let me be bossy. -------------------- [talking on her cell phone] Jessica: I'm 23, that's almost 25, and that's almost middle-aged. -------------------- [using "gaa" instead of "God"] Jessica: Oh gaa! Nick: That's it, I'm going to bed. -------------------- [on plane] Jessica: Oh gaa! -------------------- [smelling candle] Jessica: Oh, I love this scent!